Marriage is supposed to be a place of love, companionship, safety and support. But for some people, marriage becomes a place of fear, pain and suffering. Yet, even when things become unbearable, they are told to stay.
“Think about the children.”
“Marriage is for better or worse.”
“People will talk.”
“Just be patient; things will change.”
These words may sound like advice, but sometimes they keep people trapped in situations that are slowly destroying them.
There are people who stay in painful marriages because they are afraid of what their families, friends, church or community will say. Some stay because they believe divorce means they have failed. Others stay because they were taught that a good wife or husband must endure everything. And some stay because they simply do not know where they would go or how they would start again.
But there is a difference between fighting for a marriage and fighting to survive one.
Every marriage will have problems. Couples will disagree, go through financial struggles, misunderstand each other and have difficult seasons. Not every difficult marriage needs to end in divorce. Communication, counselling, accountability and genuine effort can help couples work through many problems.
But abuse is different.
When someone is constantly beaten, threatened, humiliated, controlled or made to live in fear, telling them to “stay strong for the marriage” can become dangerous. A marriage certificate should never become a reason for someone to tolerate violence.
There is also a painful reality we do not talk about enough: sometimes people lose their lives trying to preserve a marriage that was already hurting them.
They may have warned family members. They may have asked for help. They may have forgiven the same behavior repeatedly. They may have returned home after being told that their partner would change. And sometimes, that second chance becomes their last chance at life.
We need to stop treating divorce as the worst thing that can happen to a person.
Divorce can be painful. It can affect children, finances, families and friendships. It is not something people should rush into. But neither should stay in a dangerous marriage be presented as the only respectable option.
There should be room in our conversations for people who tried everything they could and eventually realized that leaving was necessary. We also need to be careful about how we involve children. Yes, children deserve to grow up in loving families. But children also deserve to grow up without watching one parent being beaten, threatened or constantly humiliated. Keeping a family together at all costs does not always protect children. Sometimes, creating a safer life means separating.
And for the person experiencing abuse, leaving is not always as simple as packing a bag and walking out. There may be financial dependence, children, threats, family pressure or fear of what the partner might do. That is why people in dangerous marriages need support, not judgment.
Instead of asking, “Why don’t you just leave?” we should sometimes ask, “How can we help you leave safely?”
We should also stop asking people to remain silent because of reputation. People will always have something to say. They will discuss the divorce today and move on to another story tomorrow. But the person living inside that marriage is the one who has to face what happens behind closed doors.
Marriage is important. Family is important. Commitment is important. But a person’s life and safety are important too.
We should teach young people that marriage requires patience and forgiveness, but we should also teach them that love does not mean accepting violence. We should teach couples how to communicate, how to seek help and how to recognise unhealthy behaviour. And when a marriage becomes unsafe, we should make it easier for people to ask for help without being ashamed.
Nobody should have to die just to prove that they were committed to their marriage.
Sometimes saving a marriage means getting help and rebuilding it together. Sometimes it means setting serious boundaries. And sometimes, when safety is no longer possible, saving a life may mean walking away.
Leaving a marriage does not automatically make someone a failure. Sometimes, leaving is the beginning of choosing life.
Brenna AKARABO
RADIOTV10